Mota Matchi Meets Terence the Pirate

 Hello Everyone!

I'm back in Mumbai and my good friend Fish, AKA Mota Matchi (Fat Fish in Hindi) has joined me. I picked him up in wearing my best: a tailored white shirt, cowboy hat, my orange skirt, and a camel leather utility bag (heheh) over my shoulder. At around 4 am Fish finally found the exit of the airport and threw me an awkward smile that asked 'what's with the dress dude?'. I returned the smile with one of my own, one that said 'Yeah man I'm wearing a freakin skirt and it's comfortable, and so am I, so how the fuck are ya doing?'.

We jumped into a cab and entered a sleeping Mumbai. The next morning we walked around, drank some beer, and very nearly got caught up starring in a Mumbai hair commercial (we had our photos taken but, unfortunately, it was canceled at the last second. Ah well, maybe next time). At around 7:30, while standing on a busy street corner we asked ourselves 'what the hell should we do next?'. Enter Terence Alan Bradley, who magically materialized in front of us. He was a small, wiry Indian man with crazy eyes, a long beard, and massive mole on his bulbous nose. At first, he asked us the typical 'gettin to know ya' questions i've come to expect, but then he unleashed his shpiel: A tour of the darkside of Mumbai, a mind blowing experience you won't see on any travelogues or guidebooks. Mr. Terence knows Mumbai better than anyone, every nook and cranny, and he'll show us how sadness and joy can exist within the same smile; how the poorest of us can also be the richest; how cruelty and compassion can live side by side and somehow be amicable neighbours. Okay Mr. Terence, we say, we'll take your tour. We shake hands, and then, Mr. Terence revealed his own darkside, his pirate side : "How bout a drink!" he asked through a devilish grin. Of course we said yes. This ought to be an interesting night.

Like many, Terence's greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. Actually, for him, it's his second greatest weakness. Terence loves to talk. And will never allow a moment of silence to pass through his presence. This is nice when you want to avoid the sometimes inevitable awkward silence. However, through Terence I have found that there is far more awkwardness found with speech than without it. And from now on I belong to the camp that believes there are some things better left unsaid. I digress, on to Terence's single greatest weakness: Alcohol.

Once we found a nice bar to sit in it didn't take long for the patrons to simultaneously love and hate this gremlin of a man. It didn't take long for me to do the same. The cricket world cup is on, and Canada (yeah Canada is in the cricket world cup!) was playing Pakistan, India's bitter rival. Very quickly Terence was Canada's greatest supporter. As the game wore on and Canada's chances grew slim, rum replaced cricket as Terence's main focus. We spoke of many things, of injustice, of women (or chickens, he liked to call them ... more on that later) and when his loudness and appeals to nobility reached a pitch too high for the establishment to handle, we were kindly given our bill. We chased taxis around until one dared to let us in. We were to meet Terence the next day at 9 am, to begin our tour.

9 am came quickly and Terence was there bright, early, and only slightly drunk. This man has traveled the world, he has met many people from all walks of life, he himself has walked many paths and through the next 2 days only a few of those paths were revealed to us. We began the day at a massive market in the heart of the city. He wanted to scare us off eating meat, as this market shows how the meat is handled before being shipped off to the many restaurants around the town. From holes-in-the-walls to five-star dining. The meat room was a large dank room buzzing with flies, crows cawing and swooping all around. The walls seemed stained black, hooks swung slowly from the ceiling, and a pile of skulls sat in a pile, crows picking off what was left to eat. It smelt of rotten blood and death. What Terence didn't know is that I've seen the darkest markets of China, and held no illusions, and Fish is greatest carnivore I know. So when he asked us if we would continue to eat meat after what we saw we looked at each other, shrugged, and said 'Yeah'. He seemed disappointed.

From there we were taken to the largest clothes-washing machine in the world: Thousands of large cement water basins sitting in the middle of a large slum. Even more thousands of women could be seen cleaning all kinds of clothes, and it is said that nearly every hotel sends its clothes there to washed. When I got my clothes back from the wash, they were very clean, very well folded, pressed, and wrapped and tied in a neat newspaper package. From there we caught a train to northern Mumbai to the 'Mosque on the water'. In high tide the mosque is inaccessible, but in the low tide a thin trail leads to a large, beautifully intricate white building. The trail is lined with beggars of all sorts. Small, dirty, naked children scampered alongside us, mumbling 'Please handsome friend please'. Old woman sat staring vacantly at the ground, their black dresses signifying them as widows. A circle of men lay sideways on the ground, their crippled or non-existent arms raised in the air while they chanted 'Kana ... Kana ... Kana ... Kana ... Kana'. It was chilling. My pocketful of change disappeared before I got to the halfway point of the trail. The Mosque itself was grand, it was the tomb of an old Muslim who went off on a pilgrimage to Mecca but drowned along the way. His body floated all the way back to his home, to the coast of Mumbai.

From there we went into the largest slum in Asia, the Dharavi slum. It felt strange. I didn't really like the idea of ogling at people's poverty; of taking pictures to send back home of the suffering millions of people call everyday life. But it didn't turn out like that. Children came and shook our hands, large smiles on their faces. Men would do the same, smiles with outstretched hands. After each handshake they would touch their chests and then show me their palm. It was a beautiful way of greeting. We were invited to a woman's home who had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I very nearly fell in love with her. Her children were working hard at studying the Koran, when they looked up at Fish and I with amazed expressions, she quickly returned them to their studies. We left them and entered a slum bar, to try the local liquor, which was some sort of fermented lime concoction. It actually didn't taste half bad. Once again, the men at the bar silently approached us, only to shake our hand to greet us. After a few shots of distilled lime we left the crowded, incredibly narrow lanes of Dharavi behind. But the place has left an indelible mark on me. I am grateful to have visited it and to have seen the pride of the men and women who live there; the ingenuity of people who seek to meet only the most basic of needs.

We moved on. It should be said that Terence, well, all of us, had been drinking all day. And by 5 o'clock he had his familiar swagger about him. He would speak loudly and constantly to the taxi's we took. But whenever I thought he might of crossed the line somehow, the driver bellowed out a deep laugh. There was something bizarrely likable about this man. He wanted to rob a dog because he believed he was hiding millions, then chased a rooster down the road for no apparent reason at all. On the train he appealed to everyone about the daily injustices found everywhere and people either completely ignored him or listened and agreed.

There is more to Mr. Terence then I can put here. At first, I had planned to tell you his story but, I think it's better he do that. He's certainly far better at it than I. We spent the next day with him as well, along with his dear friend Ramon. The four of us found an instant rapport, and we shared many great laughs and fond moments.We very nearly convinced the two of them to come with us down to Goa. But alas, it was not too be. I'll attempt to organize a reunion with Terence on my way home, it should be easy because I got him on facebook ;). The day after Fish (furthermore referred to as Mota Matchi) and I caught a train to Goa. Where I met my doppleganger and found a reason to visit Denmark.

Intestines still fine.

The Heavens are Empty

A few weeks ago I was on the ridge of a small mountain. I was there with an Australian snowboard champion and two musicians, all of whom I love very much. The group comprised of three men and a woman. The men wore ankle-long skirts, and she wore pants. We found a big rock along the ridge and, sitting atop it, looked out at the early morning sun piercing through the jungle mists. As we sat there, we spoke of dreams, of journeys, of the past and the future. It seems that at the moment, our earth exists in Kaliyuga, or the age of Kali. Now, Kali is a demon that corrupts the mind and soul of nobility and love, and as time passes we slowly descend into vice and hatred. Apparently we've been living in Kaliyuga for quite some time, 5000 years or so, and looking along the lines of history it seems the Demon Kali has been doing his job. But, while there is a lot of suffering during Kaliyuga, it does have its benefits. Since the natural world is in so much strife, all the Gods have come down in various forms to help out. There are more Gods now on Earth than there ever has been. So much so that all the heavens are empty, as the Gods hope to help usher in the next age. With luck, you might meet one.

An interesting thought, and one to consider while I sat cross legged in a Hindu temple in a small village outside of Vellore, Tamil Nadu. I sat in that temple spellbound by a man wearing simple brown robes on a small stage. On the stage was a beautiful shrine, meticulously decorated in bright flowers and flowing robes. Behind me a trio of musicians razzed out a mind melting soundtrack that was as equally jarring as soothing. The man sat next to the shrine, pouring milk on to a small statue of the Goddess Narayani. He then poured water, then honey, then more water, on and on. Occasionally he would grab a flame, and rotate the flame clockwise around the statue. At these times, the music reached a fever pitch, and the devotees in attendance raised there hands to the sky. The earnest, intense belief shown by the people there really moved me, it stirred awake old wounds and collected resentments. I've got to admit. I don't think I've ever seen such firm belief shown so purely. It was truly beautiful.

The meticulousness of the man's movements; his slow, easy flowing actions, and the purity in his eyes, stirred emotions within me that were difficult to assess. There were a lot of them, churning inside; conflicting thoughts and feelings wrestled with each other, vying for my attention. I have to admit, I wanted to leave. I wanted to get up and go and just leave the entire place. I'd walk back to Vellore if I had to. In fact, at one point the feeling was so strong that I did just that. I left. I put my shows on, and walked, with nothing but 50 rupees in my pocket. I got pretty far, about 30 minutes outside of the village, before the ridiculousness of my actions forced me to turn back, back to my friends and the Sri Puram Golden Temple.

The Sri Puram Golden Temple has been built, along with a free school, a free hospital, a big recycling plant, an orphanage and many other things, by a man named Amma Narayani. He is, apparently, a living incarnation of the Goddess Narayani. Many people are convinced of his divinity, and come from far to watch him perform his daily prayers.

The day the four of us climbed that mountain started at 430 am. We awoke to witness the waking of the statue of Narayani. To do that we needed fruit, lots of it, along with milk, honey, and a brown water that smelled of chocolate. We needed to cut the fruit up into small pieces, and we began our day that way, with our shirts off (a requirement to enter the temple) cutting up fruit for a living statue. Then we watched, while a man endlessly chimed a bell and the monks mumbled prayers while pouring pitcher after pitcher of water milk honey.

I've left that place behind, to return to Mumbai and reunite with my friend Fish. But the place still stirs inside me, like a job left half done. And the day will come when I return to that place, to watch a God throw flowers on a cow, and feel the warmth of a holy flame. While a horn and a drum and a bell dance in my ears and through my toes.

Intestines still fine

Holy Hugs and Great Golden Golf Balls

In the month I've been here, India has continually provided me with places, people, and circumstances that cause me to stop and think: "I can't believe this is happening". Being constantly confronted with the surreal leads me to question reality, or at least my version of it. And while I think it's a good thing, if you are constantly rocking the boat eventually that boat is gonna tip. For now, my mental boat is doing just fine, so I will take this opportunity to relate to you the two latest occurrences of the Indian surreal. 

Leaving from where we left off, Mal, Adam and I left Hampi and found ourselves in the small city of Mysore. It has, apparently, a flourishing yoga community, along with Ayurvedic healing classes and meditation retreats. While the 3 of us did take a meditation class (At the end of which my head seemed larger than my body, it was neat) we weren't really sure why we were in Mysore, what brought us here or what we were supposed to do.

The answer came to us in the form of giant posters spread all over the city that bore a woman's smiling, motherly face with rays of light shooting out behind her. We asked a driver what the deal was with this woman, I mean her face was plastered everywhere. It turns out she is the one they call The Hugging Amma. She is a spiritual leader that has devoted herself to the art of the hug, and her quest is to hug all 6.7 billion people on earth. The Hugging Amma has traveled all over the world hugging people. Immediately, we agreed that it was necessary to get a hug from this woman. We were taken to an outdoor hall where around a two thousand people sat or stood, facing the stage, watching Hugging Amma and her merry band sing songs about how the Divine Mother is coming, that she is laughing, and that she smells sweeter than ambrosia, but she's more easily accessible than ambrosia, which apparently is difficult to access (all this I gleaned from helpful teleprompters with subtitles).

After a number of songs in which she shot laughs into a microphone that echoed them out into the great sonic, all while threw her hands in the air, the music came to a climax; people started to get the feeling that hugs were on their way. In an elaborate system designed to streamline the reception of hundreds of hugs, we queued up. I felt like I was a bolt in a hug assembly line. As I stood there, watching the the thousands of people line up for a hug from a fat holy Indian woman, the pure ridiculousness of the entire situation occurred to me.  The organization! the effort! the pomp! the ceremony! all for a hug! it was absurd! I loved it. As I approached Hugging Amma, a friendly young man cleaned my face with a tissue, and another led me to the Mama, he made sure my hands stayed to my sides, and with his hand on the back of my head, guided me into Big Mama's breast. She hugged me, and whispered 'my precious, my precious, my precious' in my ear.  While doing this she handed me a scrunched up newspaper, containing an orange candy and a small bag of red powder. I have the red powder and am unsure of what to do with it. I'll keep it I guess, and have it as a reminder of the time I lined up for an hour in order to get a holy hug from the happiest fat woman in India.

The second story begins with an ending. Mal left us. He didn't have a lot of time left in India and still wanted to head north to see the Taj Mahal. Adam and I had our sights set further south, so we parted ways with a hug and a 'see ya later'. Thanks Mal for the laughs, the great conversations, and the friendship.

From Mysore we were off to a placed called Pondicherry. A little ways north of Pondi is the small town of Auroville. Auroville is a very intriguing project masterminded by a man named Sri Aurobindo, and his partner, a woman named 'The Mother'. They wanted to create an utopian society removed from any political, religious, or racial barriers. In a way, they've succeeded. It truly is an amazing place and I suggest anyone to go there. They've created a lot of social programs and tranformed a desolate landscape into a lush forest with farms and parks. They have lots of things to do and see there, yoga, qi gong, musical classes and much more available. It is a cool place.

They also have a massive Golden Golf Ball.

Well, it's not actually a massive Golden Golf Ball. But it looks like one. It's actually called the 'Matrimandir' and it is, as they put it, the soul of Auroville. We heard it is quite amazing inside, and we really wanted to get in, so we went off searching to find out how. Along the way we met yet another Brit. This in the form a lovely girl named Dominique. The 3 of us became fast friends and together we sought entrance in to the orb, which involved alot of waiting, red tape, and formality. Eventually, we were allowed in, but would have to wait 2 days.

We arrived at dawn, Auroville's Giant Golden Ball glistened in the morning sun. About fifty feet from the Matrimandir (the Golden Golf Ball) our guide stopped us and laid the ground rules: no talking, no shoes, no pictures, and think good thoughts. The fifty or so people that comprised our group approached the Golf Ball like we were the last humans on Earth, and in the massive ball we would rocket to a different part of the universe and return humanity to its former glory. And, naturally, we would need new socks (once inside we were asked to put on a pair of socks that were neatly stacked beside obsidian benches). Inside was lit in a dim copper light, waterfalls were placed on all four compass points. There were two spiral ramps that led to the centre room. The room of concentration. We were led up the ramp in complete silence. It occurred to me that this could be what heaven is like, I think; a constant line of people, walking up a pristine white spiral ramp up, up into the heavens, waiting to be judged while wearing their pairs of new socks.

The Room of Concentration had white walls, and twelve white pillars that surrounded a perfectly smooth, perfectly clear round glass orb. Sunlight was funneled from the top of the Mandir down onto the very top of the orb. We were given cushions, and we sat and stared--concentrated--on this glass orb. I don't know how long we were there.


Intestines still fine.